An Open Letter to Adil Mohyuddin

Dear Adil Mohyuddin,

Hey there, this is Adil speaking. More specifically, your rational side. You know, that nagging voice in the back of your head that's always telling you to not do the dumb things you do? I know we don't talk much, since you ignore me most of the time and often drown me out with your awful, awful taste in music, but I figured I'd let you know a few things before you start your first day at DePaul tomorrow.

First of all, this is another major turning point in your life, much like how Augustana was two years back. We both know how things turned out there and I'm sure you realize that there were some things that you could have avoided in order to make your stay just a bit more enjoyable. I know you love your off-colour jokes, but don't be so upfront with them so soon—you end up scaring more people than you do making them laugh. And be sure to cut down on the swearing along with your copious use of the N-word (you now are in downtown Chicago, not Whiteboyville, USA!). So no matter how much you want to tell that joke about women's rights, listen to me and stop yourself before you get yourself killed by some vegan feminist lesbian who doesn't realize you're only kidding.

However, don't let that stop you from making new friends. I understand you're more nervous than ever about socializing, but let me put it in terms you can understand. Your current friends are Pokémon you've caught. Now, while you do have your main team of six, you can always add more Pokémon to your boxes in PCs all over the Pokémon Centers in the world, along with rearranging your team to best fit your situation at the time. So don't think of new friends as replacements for your Augustana friends (or any of your other groups), but rather as additions to an ever-increasing family. And hey, even if a friendship ends, don't dwell on it too much, as it's nothing more than natural progression.

And you know what? Even in a school as bad as Augustana, you managed to make a pretty large group of friends spanning every clique possible. I don't know where you get off in telling everyone that you were completely alone, because you never were. Remember that day on the boat when you met Megan, Jon, Shmoo and Nikki? That was your second day on campus and you were already practically a celebrity due to your antics. You seriously have got to stop being so emo about things. And at worst, it's an hour long train ride to Lindsay's place. You'll still have them for company.

But of course, you're not going to school so you can make more friends or check out hot girls (though the lack of girls with glasses on campus is a bit disheartening, I must say). You're there first and foremost so you can get an education. You had a very valid excuse for your poor performance at Augustana. But you had a pretty half-assed excuse for your less-than-perfect performance at Harper. And with DePaul? Think of this year as The Boss... as your Operation Snake Eater. You are Naked Snake and it's your mission to defeat her. Yes, she's packing a fucking Patriot and knows CQC better than you ever will, to the point where she'll beat your ass down so hard she'll be making pancakes with your asscheeks, but you still have to beat her, and nothing short of your best will allow you to do that. And when you do, you truly will ascend to the title of Big Boss.

And another thing. Cut down with the video game references. The whole video game celibacy thing is a pretty good start (even though I know you've already broken it ever so slightly), but people don't find it funny when you somehow manage to tie Pokémon or Super Mario Bros. into completely unrelated conversations all the time—they'll think you're that kid who lives in his mom's basement and sits in front of his computer raging about pointless things on forums...wait, that's what you do already. Look, just try to show people that there's another facet of you. If anything, you might even learn a thing or two about yourself you didn't know. Like hey, I'm sure you didn't know that you were once a brilliant writer that's now gotten rusty. Remember the Toilet Times? That was the peak of your genius. Try to top that this year in some way.

Speaking of toppings, your weight is getting to be at a near-heart attack level. Face it; you're fat and people judge you because of it. Now, don't go swimming and working out for such a vain reason. When you choose to eat healthier, do it because both your mother's and father's sides of your family have diabetes running through them. Sure you'll be able to cosplay better and girls will find you more attractive, but at the end of the day, if you get into shape now, you'll have more time to spend with your children and grandchildren in the future. That is to say, if you can find someone who fits both your extremely narrow criteria and your parents' even narrower requirements for a wife.

And speaking of girls? They're nothing more than wastes of time who simply want to steal your money and possessions. Think about it. The only reason Dana even talks to you is because you gave her an NES and Ikaruga. Lindsay just wants a female friend that won't move in on Derek...and you happen to be that female friend (plus, you're too ugly for Derek, anyways). The Augustana girls only like you because you cooked for them and smeared oatmeal and egg whites on their faces. They're all nothing but giant leeches out to suck you dry (and not in the way you'd want).

Look, all I'm saying is that you can't afford to mess up this year. Your parents have sacrificed so much, dating back to decades before you were even born, so that you could live a better life than they did. Faisal is allowing you to stay in his place without objection because he understands it's what you need to do well this year. And you know what? I'll say it now and only now. You're a likable kid. Everyone is cheering for you as hard as they can because they want you to succeed. You told me once that you would do your best to not break any of your promises to those you loved. If you fall back onto your usual lazy ways, you'll be doing exactly that, devastating every single person who has ever cared and will care about you. So please, think of everyone, from Rabiya and Musa to Mamoo Akram, before you decide to procrastinate or be lazy about things.

So yeah, just letting you know.

Sincerely,
Adil Mohyuddin

PS. What the hell is wrong with you and your obsession with that stupid eyepatch?!

Also, I understand that you like to close your posts with a song and some useless fact no one cares about, correct? Well, considering that I am you, I should follow suit.

I remember when you were younger and much more spoiled (as if that's possible), Faisal would play this song in an effort to get you to man up during the (oft-occurring) times you'd put the waterworks on display, even if it'd usually have the opposite effect. And I'm sure it's partly to blame as to why you're such an effeminate idiot nowadays.

Also, did you know that a young Adil loved to eat drywall? Yes, honest-to-God sheets of drywall. You used to consider them a delicacy...the way a bite would crunch at first, but soften up and become chewy as it dissolved within your saliva. But drywall? Wow...I sure got screwed over with that Birth Lotto.

Drywall...